


stumble

by veridical



Series: from these moments, we awake [2]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Awkward Conversations, Gen, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-20
Updated: 2017-06-20
Packaged: 2018-11-16 17:29:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11257551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/veridical/pseuds/veridical
Summary: Some bad skates are worse than others.





	stumble

**Author's Note:**

> keeping up the Good Habit of posting this in the middle of the night, just as i finish, amazing (this took longer than two hours though) (considerably)

It happens, sometimes.

They try not to make a habit out of it. Just, sometimes, one of them will sit by the wall, and the other will know that he can sit down, too. Sometimes they stay silent, sometimes they tallk. Sometimes Shoma lets out a laugh, or several, and Yuzuru feels lighter, almost privileged.

Mihoko sometimes finds them, but doesn't really say anything about Yuzuru saying ridiculous things that sometimes make Shoma laugh, or about Shoma punching Yuzuru lightly in the arm, or anything. She likes to keep track of Shoma for reasons Yuzuru can understand. He tries to always inform his coach of his whereabouts.

But now, he is here, alone, and it's Shoma who finds him.

Yuzuru supposes he should compliment him on that basis — it wasn't easy to find a secluded place, and Shoma must have done a lot to find him too. He thinks of that, distantly. It's a bit hard to care.

In his mind, he's reaching for that loop, once again, once more.

"Yuzu."

Maybe he can admit it: it's a bit harder without Brian. It's a bit harder — no, it's definitely, definitely hard without Javi. He doesn't know how they always find the right words, only they do, and that makes him so, so angry right now — shouldn't he be independent by now, shouldn't he stop relying on those close to him?

Of course, he is not alone this time either. Tracy told him that it's over, that he fought through it, that it happens to everyone, Kana gave him a super tight hug and asked him not to worry, even Shoma — _Shoma_ — tried to give him a hug.

But all of that feels not enough, somehow, all of their words and gestures of comfort feel almost muddled, and then he remembers that he still has to skate tomorrow and shudders.

"Yuzu."

He doesn't want to look at Shoma because in that precise moment it hits him that he let Shoma down as well. He remembers what they talked about, the way Shoma slowly came to admit that he likes skating in the same competition, that seeing and feeling Yuzuru skate lifts him up.

"Sorry," he says quietly, maybe out of habit, maybe just so that he says something, at least. He doesn't want to ignore Shoma, but he can't really think of anything to say.

"No, no," Shoma says, probably shaking his head. "It's okay, you don't have to. Um. Can I sit here?"

Yuzuru motions with his hand, then remembers himself and nods several times. "Of course, of course."

"Thank you," Shoma says in a small voice.

Yuzuru sneaks a glance at Shoma, who sits down gingerly and is visibly trying not to look at him. It's nice. That he tries. Yuzuru wants to be mad, or snappish, but he doesn't like that part of himself.

"Did you skate well?" Yuzuru asks, finally, when it becomes clear that Shoma is not planning on speaking any time soon.

"Mmmm. I doubled the triple toe," Shoma mumbles. "Intentionally, though. But I'm still a bit upset about it, I guess."

Yuzuru almost laughs. That's so... typical, that reply. "Did you skate well?" he asks again.

Shoma finally looks at him, and there's no hint of humor in his eyes. "I think so. Uh... Well, I got first place. But it's just the short."

"The short is never _just_ ", Yuzu snaps, and immediately lets out, "Sorry."

Shoma is looking more concerned and unsure by the minute. "It's okay, Yuzu-kun. I'm... I guess I'm glad I can finally skate a clean short program. It was... difficult, over the season. Although I like being in the chasing position, but now that I'm getting used to this experience, I can..."

Yuzuru is starting to feel as if he is taking Shoma's interview. He doesn't really know why that thought bothers him instead of being funny.

"Shoma," Yuzuru stops him with a word and hand on the shoulder, aware that he is being horribly rude, "did you like skating today?"

"Yes," Shoma answers without a beat, finally looking at him. "You know. I always like skating in competition... well, almost always. Um. Did you?"

"No," Yuzuru says.

Shoma's face crumbles a little.

"Sorry," Yuzuru says again, because he feels like apologizing every time Shoma looks at him with anything but a smile.

"No," says Shoma, "no, I'm... bad at this. I found you, but I didn't actually know what to say. And a bad skate hurts."

Yuzuru feels like crumbling here and there, but he can't really do it in front of Shoma, who is looking at Yuzu's hand that is resting closer to Shoma's elbow now.

"Um. I thought of something today," Shoma adds. "After Worlds last year, Satton told me that bad skates hurt the skater most of all. Because you think about all the people you let down and the hurt kinda piles up. And I guess I didn't... I know she was trying to console me, and she helped, but I didn't know if I really understood that, since I mostly thought of myself, about how much I trained and in the end..." Shoma takes a shuddering breath and Yuzuru almost reaches out. "And, and for me, your bad skate seems... not that bad, because you have so many great skates behind and ahead of you, but now I think I understand it a bit better. How it is for you." Shoma looks him into the eyes. "And it's... admirable, but also scary, how you beat all that pressure and responsibility. Now that I'm... closer to you, as a skater, I'm beginning to feel pressure, but I still feel kind of safe with you there. And I guess, I would want you to also... uh..."

Yuzuru clutches his hand around Shoma's arm the way something inside him clutches painfully, and Shoma looks at him with wild eyes, and then Yuzuru throws himself forward into a hug — the kind that is usually reserved for competitions, for the moments just after the skate... for when he's left everything there was on the ice.

And not for Shoma, no.

"Is that okay?" he says into Shoma's shoulder. He should have asked before, but it just... felt right. Like the right edge. Like a simple, solid spread eagle.

"Yes," Shoma whispers.

Yuzuru clutches him harder at that, buries his head into Shoma's neck and collarbones, and there is warmth, there is someone who doesn't focus on what he just did, and it's not enough, but it's something. He doesn't like the fact that he needs this, that it helps. He keeps thinking about how uncomfortable Shoma probably is, must be, remember Shoma straying from his touches.

But he is here, and Yuzuru can't deny himself this.

"Thank you," he whispers and feels Shoma freeze up, and then a harsh sigh, and Shoma hugs him back. It's a tight hug, tighter than Yuzuru is used to, maybe. It's a bit desperate, the way Shoma just clings to him, except Yuzuru is the one clinging. 

"I hope you get to enjoy other skates," Shoma mumbles suddenly, and Yuzuru only catches it because he's paying attention, tuned into quiet comfort and Shoma's breathing. "I... I would be glad."

Yuzuru's throat constricts.

It's not something he would expect to hear, and he's just... not ready for this, in a way, for Shoma just stating this, plain as fact. Shoma often says stuff about him that seems too much, or conflicts with how Yuzuru perceives things, but this, here, is. So much. So much.

And they're still hugging; Shoma must be uncomfortable, by now. His arms are wrapped around Yuzuru, keeping him close, but they're not clenching him, not like he himself is, clinging to the warmth and strength of the other.

But then Shoma makes an aborted, fluttering motion with his hand that Yuzuru feels around his shoulder blades. And he does it again, and again, the world's most inadequate attempt at stroking someone's back, and Yuzuru might weep, except that would be the end of him and this hopeless day, and he can't die in Shoma's arms and make Shoma panic about that.

He takes a deep breath and starts leaning away slowly, bit by bit. He's kinda not looking at Shoma.

Shoma is maybe, probably, not looking at him.

"Sorry," he hears, "I'm not really good at this, Yuzu-kun."

Yuzuru takes another breath, raises his eyes and finds Shoma staring right back, catching him unawares.

"I don't think you can be good at this sort of thing," he says slowly, choosing the words. "It's something you just... do. Try to do, maybe. It's not like a jump or a step sequence, there is no base value or GOE."

Shoma smiles, and Yuzuru feels a little helpless, and a little better. They're still touching in some places, sitting so close, but Shoma doesn't seem to notice.

"I wish you could learn it like that," Shoma admits. "I wish there was a rulebook and, like. Grades and points, so you could know."

Yuzu nods, and then pauses. Thinks it over, says, "But you still know sometimes, don't you? You don't see the points until after, but you know if you did well or not."

Shoma starts nodding quickly. "Yes, of course, it's not like I think about points a lot. But... sometimes it helps later, just, to know where you could improve," he finishes in a small voice.

And Yuzuru knows. He studies the protocol sheets tirelessly, he rewatches himself skate so much he gets sick of it, but it is always important. It is always a foundation he can build on, to go forward, to improve.

But Shoma doesn't like looking back too much, he just wants to move, to leap and attack, and Yuzuru remembers himself being a bit like that, before.

Except that Shoma watches others and doesn't mind. Shoma watches others and then goes out and skates a magnificent program, a personal best by far. He can look at others and just enjoy it, and Yuzuru doesn't understand completely, maybe, but he is still fascinated.

Yuzuru glances at Shoma who seems to be studying his hands, his small tidy nails, and takes a breath. "Do you think I could watch your short, then?"

Shoma jumps a little, right where he's sitting. "Uh-- what? What?"

Yuzuru slowly realises he didn't think this through, nor did he vocalise his thought process. "I just-- I know that you skated well, and you seemed quite happy with your skate, and I just." He searches for the right words. "Maybe I could try... watching someone else. Watching you."

Try it your way, he wants to add. Just this once, do what you do instead of rewatching my own skate with no end in sight.

But he falters and falls silent, and the words hang in-between them, and Shoma looks almost... embarrassed. A bit confused, a bit startled and definitely, definitely embarrassed.

And it's been a while. Somehow, with all the serious competitions, with all the focus and hard work and unfulfilling podiums, he forgot the simple pleasure of seeing Shoma flustered.

And he can't help smiling, and Shoma starts protesting, because he really doesn't like watching himself, and it's going to be quite a battle to try and convince him, but somehow, weirdly, Yuzuru is confident about this.

He's gonna win.


End file.
